Because you are no longer a child who is helpless and cannot survive without your parents or a caregiver. As an adult, however, it does not serve you the same way. Cognitive dissonance is therefore a survival mechanism and was effective to you as a child. In order to survive, you make up a story about your parent’s behavior shifting from abusive to tender. This behavior usually stems from childhood because as a child you can’t escape your parent’s mistreatment. This is what’s called cognitive dissonance. That can go something like “he didn’t mean it”, “she is just stressed out”, “I must have triggered him”, “She only gets like that when she drinks”, “tomorrow it will be better”, “It’s not that bad, many have it worse”, “If I stop triggering him he will stop abusing me” etc. In order to deal with the pain, your brain makes up a story about his behavior. When he is cruel you feel hurt and scared. In order to live with a person who alternates between cruel and tender, you must find a way to make sense of it. If you find yourself making excuses for his abusive behaviors (which is common to do) you are trauma bonded. But he is so good to me at times I don’t think he is abusive (cognitive dissonance)

I’m using “he” for simplicity’s sake but the abuser can very well be a “she”. In this article, I’ll help you understand the signs of trauma bonded relationships and give you some tools to begin breaking this destructive bond. You try to get the abuser to change and love you even though they show little or no capacity for healthy love. One of the reasons for trauma bonding is the attempt of resolving your childhood traumas through the destructive relationship. You find yourself making excuses for their behaviors no matter how many times you get hurt. This inner conflict usually stems from the abusers confusing behavior, shifting from cruel to tender. One part of you want to leave, another, stay. Yet, you feel addicted to the abuser and panic at the mere thought of leaving. This could be emotionally, physically, financially, mentally or verbally.

Trauma bonding is when you’re attached to a person (abuser) who consistently betrays you in one way or another.

Trauma bonding signs